Exploding Addicted Dogs – The E-Cigarette Menace Uncovered
August 6, 2014 Fergus Mason Musings
The fast-growing electronic cigarette industry and its paid army of so-called “vapers” insist that the nicotine-laced devices are a “safe” alternative to smoking. That propaganda is being widely believed and an epidemic of e-smoking is already sweeping through the nation’s primary schools; worried experts believe that up to nine young people* may have already tried these potentially deadly drug machines. But are they as safe as Big Tobacco’s astroturf campaigners make out? After five minutes of dedicated research involving an organic quinoa salad and a quick read of the Daily Mail our investigative reporters found out the horrifying truth.
Unaware of the fact that electronic cigarettes contain an array of lethal toxins at levels so high they can be detected with nothing more sophisticated than a £15 million gas chromatography system, 15-year-old Stan McChapman bought one of the brightly coloured gadgets for his 9-month-old stepsister Prue Malone. “I thought she’d like it,” he sobbed, “It has all these flavours like Spiced Rum and Absinthe. Kids love that kind of thing.”
Novelty soon turned to tragedy, though. Shockingly, the e-cigarette carried no warning labels to make clear its deadly potential. “I just smashed it with a hammer because I was bored,” McChapman continued, “then wired it up to the cooker socket. I thought it might make some nice sparks or something. Or recharge. I dunno.”
Obviously it’s criminally irresponsible for the people who sell these death sticks to leave off vital safety information about 440 volt connections, but worse was to come.
The McChapmans’ beloved dog, an adorable Rottweiler-Pit Bull cross who went by the affectionate name Slasher, accidentally licked a fragment of the damaged e-cig. It’s bad enough that this device was so flimsy it couldn’t even stand a few taps with a six-pound lump hammer; that there were drops of concentrated nicotine oil on it just made the tragedy inevitable. Instantly addicted, Slasher went in search of more of the deadly carcinogenic solvent.
Reduced to a sad, dependent zombie by the powerful nicotine the 138-pound puppy staggered into the kitchen where McChapman was still trying to charge the evaporator. Sadly he smelled the dripping e-tobacco and tried to lick some to feed his craving. Heated to 9,432°C by the high voltage – which nothing on the packaging warned against – the nicotine instantly overloaded the luckless dog’s brain. A freak chemical reaction triggered by the bubblegum flavouring ripped his body apart and sprayed lightly cooked chunks all over the kitchen.
McChapman’s father, 739-year-old testicle shaver Simon, was obviously on the verge of tears as he described the scene. “It was awful,” he said, voice choked by emotion, “and that could have been baby Prue lying there on the floor. And the table. And both worktops. And in the sink. If she’d just licked a few drops of that stuff…”
Stan says he’s learned his lesson. “From now on I’m sticking with licensed products,” he says. “That way I know I’ll be safe.” Popping a Champix tablet into his mouth he smiles bravely at the camera. “Hopefully other families will read this so Slasher won’t have died in vain. Here, are you any good at knots? I can’t get this rope tied to the attic stairs.”
Disclaimer – Part or all of this article may be complete bullshit, made up to preserve the incomes of corrupt drug companies and mendacious rent-seeking bullies with “public health” in their job descriptions. We accept no responsibility for what happens to you if you’re dumb enough to believe it.
August 6, 2014 Fergus Mason Musings
The fast-growing electronic cigarette industry and its paid army of so-called “vapers” insist that the nicotine-laced devices are a “safe” alternative to smoking. That propaganda is being widely believed and an epidemic of e-smoking is already sweeping through the nation’s primary schools; worried experts believe that up to nine young people* may have already tried these potentially deadly drug machines. But are they as safe as Big Tobacco’s astroturf campaigners make out? After five minutes of dedicated research involving an organic quinoa salad and a quick read of the Daily Mail our investigative reporters found out the horrifying truth.
Unaware of the fact that electronic cigarettes contain an array of lethal toxins at levels so high they can be detected with nothing more sophisticated than a £15 million gas chromatography system, 15-year-old Stan McChapman bought one of the brightly coloured gadgets for his 9-month-old stepsister Prue Malone. “I thought she’d like it,” he sobbed, “It has all these flavours like Spiced Rum and Absinthe. Kids love that kind of thing.”
Novelty soon turned to tragedy, though. Shockingly, the e-cigarette carried no warning labels to make clear its deadly potential. “I just smashed it with a hammer because I was bored,” McChapman continued, “then wired it up to the cooker socket. I thought it might make some nice sparks or something. Or recharge. I dunno.”
Obviously it’s criminally irresponsible for the people who sell these death sticks to leave off vital safety information about 440 volt connections, but worse was to come.
The McChapmans’ beloved dog, an adorable Rottweiler-Pit Bull cross who went by the affectionate name Slasher, accidentally licked a fragment of the damaged e-cig. It’s bad enough that this device was so flimsy it couldn’t even stand a few taps with a six-pound lump hammer; that there were drops of concentrated nicotine oil on it just made the tragedy inevitable. Instantly addicted, Slasher went in search of more of the deadly carcinogenic solvent.
Reduced to a sad, dependent zombie by the powerful nicotine the 138-pound puppy staggered into the kitchen where McChapman was still trying to charge the evaporator. Sadly he smelled the dripping e-tobacco and tried to lick some to feed his craving. Heated to 9,432°C by the high voltage – which nothing on the packaging warned against – the nicotine instantly overloaded the luckless dog’s brain. A freak chemical reaction triggered by the bubblegum flavouring ripped his body apart and sprayed lightly cooked chunks all over the kitchen.
McChapman’s father, 739-year-old testicle shaver Simon, was obviously on the verge of tears as he described the scene. “It was awful,” he said, voice choked by emotion, “and that could have been baby Prue lying there on the floor. And the table. And both worktops. And in the sink. If she’d just licked a few drops of that stuff…”
Stan says he’s learned his lesson. “From now on I’m sticking with licensed products,” he says. “That way I know I’ll be safe.” Popping a Champix tablet into his mouth he smiles bravely at the camera. “Hopefully other families will read this so Slasher won’t have died in vain. Here, are you any good at knots? I can’t get this rope tied to the attic stairs.”
- “Young people” may mean children or 25-year-olds; details deliberately left vague.
Disclaimer – Part or all of this article may be complete bullshit, made up to preserve the incomes of corrupt drug companies and mendacious rent-seeking bullies with “public health” in their job descriptions. We accept no responsibility for what happens to you if you’re dumb enough to believe it.
