#ITSOKAYTOTALK - Mental Illness
- Thread starter brotiform
- Start date
That’s how I feel most of the time
Okay, time for a beer and a type. (Chocolate infused Milk Stout by the way)
So, in November last year I decided on a new psychiatrist and made an appointment in Garsfontein. 10 minutes before seeing her I got a call from my mom's neighbor telling me that the ambulance was taking my mom to the ER after a fall. Bummer. Had a very quick consultation where she again put me on ADHD meds, but the non-stimulant kind and also for OCD, anxiety and depression. Off I drove to hospital to see the doctor and wait for them to repair a broken femur on my mom. Not sure if it was the new meds, or still the fact that I didn't have meds in my system for so long that my levels were depleted, but I hit rock bottom. While my mom was in hospital I went and bought a rope, a black pillow case to pull over my head and even a drop sheet so as not to mess up the garage. You can guess what I had planned. Yup, I was just waiting for my mom to be discharged so she could look after my son (a 10 year old Jack Russell). Mailed the doc and told her about my issues, after which she mailed me back and said she'd reply in more detail later, but wanted to see me the next day. I had already taken a lot of leave days with my mom's hospitalization, so I could simply not take off a 3rd day during that week. Eventually she didn't reply in more detail and I got pissed off. My psychologist even phoned her and made things worse by telling her I was pissed off with her. Anyway, eventually I made another appointment, through which I got up and was ready to leave again after 5 minutes because of her attitude. Telling me I wasn't serious about suicide and that if I was I would have taken the previous appointment, or at least a telephonic one. She doesn't work until after I knock off, and we have a strict open door policy, so I can't close my door and take a telephonic consultation. We had a heated argument, after which she kind of apologized and gave me a new script. It has been changed and tweaked a lot and I'm off the ADHDS meds for now.
Took the whole of February off work and drove through to Pta a lot of times for ECT's and adjusting meds every few days. Happy to say that I am doing much better. That's how I started vaping again, lol. I saw someone use and IQOS at her offices and we got to chatting and I bought one for myself. Not intending to quit smoking, but intending to use it on the sly if I ever got stuck in a mall. Intending to use it in the bathroom and believing it doesn't smell at all (which I have realized it does now that I vape 90% of the time, lol). Anyway, I sorted out a few cupboards and stuff and emptied out my RTA's which had been standing half filled with juice for about 3 years. I just intended to wash them and throw them in a box in the garage, honestly. (You may have seen some of my rabbit hole posts thus far...)
Long story short, the IQOS had me down to maximum 5 stinkies a day, so I got to thinking, why not vape just one device and see where it leads. We all know where that led to now, don't we?
Now the last week or so I've been very anxious and a bit emotional. Could be the quitting smoking taking it's toll, or something entirely different. I did some really really bad things in 2012 after a horrible break-up and what I see now as an undiagnosed psychotic break. Having some intrusive thoughts and fixating on one particular thing I did back then. When I think about it my stomach knots up and I struggle to breathe. No, I won't be sharing the things I did, just know it is really bad and when I told a new psychologist about hem she made me feel like piece of shit. (my psychologist has relocated to New Zealand, so I tried a new one). Needless to say I won't be going backl or making the mistakle of ever disclosing what I did to anyone ever again. Will take it to my grave, and perhaps hell. Some days I feel like I deserve to suffer like I do because of what I have done. Other days I feel I can be forgiven by the almighty and perhaps find peace and maybe even love. Who knows. It's a bit of a see-saw at the moment. Have to mail my psychiatrist again and perhaps tweak some meds again. On 10 different meds at the moment, including my hypertension and cholesterol meds. So you can imagine what my copayments look like and the fact that my savings is already depleted so early in the year. Really difficult financially, but trudging on and hopefully upwards.
My mom is still stuck with her walker and I had to purchase a wheelchair for any kind of prolonged excursion. Damn those are expensive. I basically support my mom fully. After paying her medical aid she has almost nothing left, so I pitch in for the rest, including the domestic worker that now has to be there 6 days a week and levies etc etc. Was lucky enough to get some funds back from UIF after our salary cuts during Covid, so my vape itch could be scratched.
Well, I think I have bored you enough now, so let me get back to my vape and beer.
Viper out
So, in November last year I decided on a new psychiatrist and made an appointment in Garsfontein. 10 minutes before seeing her I got a call from my mom's neighbor telling me that the ambulance was taking my mom to the ER after a fall. Bummer. Had a very quick consultation where she again put me on ADHD meds, but the non-stimulant kind and also for OCD, anxiety and depression. Off I drove to hospital to see the doctor and wait for them to repair a broken femur on my mom. Not sure if it was the new meds, or still the fact that I didn't have meds in my system for so long that my levels were depleted, but I hit rock bottom. While my mom was in hospital I went and bought a rope, a black pillow case to pull over my head and even a drop sheet so as not to mess up the garage. You can guess what I had planned. Yup, I was just waiting for my mom to be discharged so she could look after my son (a 10 year old Jack Russell). Mailed the doc and told her about my issues, after which she mailed me back and said she'd reply in more detail later, but wanted to see me the next day. I had already taken a lot of leave days with my mom's hospitalization, so I could simply not take off a 3rd day during that week. Eventually she didn't reply in more detail and I got pissed off. My psychologist even phoned her and made things worse by telling her I was pissed off with her. Anyway, eventually I made another appointment, through which I got up and was ready to leave again after 5 minutes because of her attitude. Telling me I wasn't serious about suicide and that if I was I would have taken the previous appointment, or at least a telephonic one. She doesn't work until after I knock off, and we have a strict open door policy, so I can't close my door and take a telephonic consultation. We had a heated argument, after which she kind of apologized and gave me a new script. It has been changed and tweaked a lot and I'm off the ADHDS meds for now.
Took the whole of February off work and drove through to Pta a lot of times for ECT's and adjusting meds every few days. Happy to say that I am doing much better. That's how I started vaping again, lol. I saw someone use and IQOS at her offices and we got to chatting and I bought one for myself. Not intending to quit smoking, but intending to use it on the sly if I ever got stuck in a mall. Intending to use it in the bathroom and believing it doesn't smell at all (which I have realized it does now that I vape 90% of the time, lol). Anyway, I sorted out a few cupboards and stuff and emptied out my RTA's which had been standing half filled with juice for about 3 years. I just intended to wash them and throw them in a box in the garage, honestly. (You may have seen some of my rabbit hole posts thus far...)
Long story short, the IQOS had me down to maximum 5 stinkies a day, so I got to thinking, why not vape just one device and see where it leads. We all know where that led to now, don't we?
Now the last week or so I've been very anxious and a bit emotional. Could be the quitting smoking taking it's toll, or something entirely different. I did some really really bad things in 2012 after a horrible break-up and what I see now as an undiagnosed psychotic break. Having some intrusive thoughts and fixating on one particular thing I did back then. When I think about it my stomach knots up and I struggle to breathe. No, I won't be sharing the things I did, just know it is really bad and when I told a new psychologist about hem she made me feel like piece of shit. (my psychologist has relocated to New Zealand, so I tried a new one). Needless to say I won't be going backl or making the mistakle of ever disclosing what I did to anyone ever again. Will take it to my grave, and perhaps hell. Some days I feel like I deserve to suffer like I do because of what I have done. Other days I feel I can be forgiven by the almighty and perhaps find peace and maybe even love. Who knows. It's a bit of a see-saw at the moment. Have to mail my psychiatrist again and perhaps tweak some meds again. On 10 different meds at the moment, including my hypertension and cholesterol meds. So you can imagine what my copayments look like and the fact that my savings is already depleted so early in the year. Really difficult financially, but trudging on and hopefully upwards.
My mom is still stuck with her walker and I had to purchase a wheelchair for any kind of prolonged excursion. Damn those are expensive. I basically support my mom fully. After paying her medical aid she has almost nothing left, so I pitch in for the rest, including the domestic worker that now has to be there 6 days a week and levies etc etc. Was lucky enough to get some funds back from UIF after our salary cuts during Covid, so my vape itch could be scratched.
Well, I think I have bored you enough now, so let me get back to my vape and beer.
Viper out
Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do ...... also the most critical.
Be strong Viper - the road is long but it starts by forgiving yourself , I [we] are rooting for you , a LOT of us have done/tried stupid things that seemed right at the time . My next appointment is Monday ,I am ''stable'' at the moment and working on my depression bc of job loss due to covid .
Stand Strong .
I have been meaning to post in here for a while now...
Life the last year and a bit has been a bit crazy, for anyone and everyone, with the pandemic and government's often times ridiculous reaction to it. We had a crazy start to 2020 with my fiancé pregnant with our first child after years of trying and thousands spent. Unfortunately my fiancé developed a sub chorionic hematoma in February which saw her house bound, long before any lock down was announced, with a few trips to her OBGYN and hospital. Then the Sars-CoV-2 virus hit and all hell broke loose with ridiculous lockdowns and regulations, seeing me house bound as I work from home. Around mid July at 35 weeks pregnant, my fiancé got infected and developed some of the COVID-19 symptoms, so we self isolated for two weeks and amazingly I never get infected based on various tests I have had. At 38 weeks my fiancé's OBGYN got infected so our birth plan went out the window, we had a new OBGYN and had a C-section booked for the 18th August 2020. The birth of our son was one of the scariest yet most satisfying experience's of my life, after all the struggles we had to fall pregnant, in one of the most non-normal years in recent history. All went well with the C-section, our hospital was pleasant considering the circumstances but we were soon back as our son developed a Group B strep infection and spent nearly a week in NICU and high care. I have never been so stressed in my life, trying to manage my anxiety, my fiancé's worries, doing work, not being able to see our son except for an hour on a Sunday afternoon, etc.
He handled it like a trooper and we soon had him home again, to start the daunting task as parents, largely by ourselves with minimal help from family due to lockdowns. My parents only met him at 6 weeks old, and now again at 7 1/2 months, some of our family has never met him and only seen pictures and videos of him but it is what it is. He is happy, healthy and growing and as much as I don't like working from home I get to spend more time with him than I would. Myself and my fiancé are largely happy and healthy, I am still working from home while my fiancé goes in to the factory every day and we see her family often and make use of their house at Pecanwood on the Hartebeespoort Dam as often as possible. I had a fall on my mountain bike a few weeks back which put a kink in my training but I am slowly getting back up and running/riding/training. I started vaping again a few weeks back and am struggling to stop, again, arg.
Anyway, I hope everyone is well and moving forward, even slowly...
Life the last year and a bit has been a bit crazy, for anyone and everyone, with the pandemic and government's often times ridiculous reaction to it. We had a crazy start to 2020 with my fiancé pregnant with our first child after years of trying and thousands spent. Unfortunately my fiancé developed a sub chorionic hematoma in February which saw her house bound, long before any lock down was announced, with a few trips to her OBGYN and hospital. Then the Sars-CoV-2 virus hit and all hell broke loose with ridiculous lockdowns and regulations, seeing me house bound as I work from home. Around mid July at 35 weeks pregnant, my fiancé got infected and developed some of the COVID-19 symptoms, so we self isolated for two weeks and amazingly I never get infected based on various tests I have had. At 38 weeks my fiancé's OBGYN got infected so our birth plan went out the window, we had a new OBGYN and had a C-section booked for the 18th August 2020. The birth of our son was one of the scariest yet most satisfying experience's of my life, after all the struggles we had to fall pregnant, in one of the most non-normal years in recent history. All went well with the C-section, our hospital was pleasant considering the circumstances but we were soon back as our son developed a Group B strep infection and spent nearly a week in NICU and high care. I have never been so stressed in my life, trying to manage my anxiety, my fiancé's worries, doing work, not being able to see our son except for an hour on a Sunday afternoon, etc.
He handled it like a trooper and we soon had him home again, to start the daunting task as parents, largely by ourselves with minimal help from family due to lockdowns. My parents only met him at 6 weeks old, and now again at 7 1/2 months, some of our family has never met him and only seen pictures and videos of him but it is what it is. He is happy, healthy and growing and as much as I don't like working from home I get to spend more time with him than I would. Myself and my fiancé are largely happy and healthy, I am still working from home while my fiancé goes in to the factory every day and we see her family often and make use of their house at Pecanwood on the Hartebeespoort Dam as often as possible. I had a fall on my mountain bike a few weeks back which put a kink in my training but I am slowly getting back up and running/riding/training. I started vaping again a few weeks back and am struggling to stop, again, arg.
Anyway, I hope everyone is well and moving forward, even slowly...
@Neuk first of all, congratulations on the new addition to your family - that's quite an achievement if you ask me, despite the obstacles you both faced. One of my work mates had her baby during the pandemic last year April shortly after the 1st lockdown - the baby has not met anyone else either apart from her own grandparents. He just turned 1 recently. She posts weekly updates on Facebook and we get to see him grow without having to be there in person or touch him. Their little girl is really living up to the name of being the older sibling and it's rare to see such thing, two siblings getting on well with each other (my brothers, sister and I used to fight like cats and dogs).
Right now, I think I have sunk to a new low level. I'm hoping the trial shift on Saturday will count in my favour - if I get the job, it will be the first time I'll be leaving the house for work as I have been off work for just over a year now. I have totally zero motivation to do anything at the moment - i've even taken a break from my studies as I can't focus on anything either. I think I am burnt and need to take a break from everything. I'm also having nightmares and not sleeping well either.
Right now, I think I have sunk to a new low level. I'm hoping the trial shift on Saturday will count in my favour - if I get the job, it will be the first time I'll be leaving the house for work as I have been off work for just over a year now. I have totally zero motivation to do anything at the moment - i've even taken a break from my studies as I can't focus on anything either. I think I am burnt and need to take a break from everything. I'm also having nightmares and not sleeping well either.
CONGRATULATIONS with the addition , very glad for you , wishing the 3 of you the best . Stay strong my friend .
Made the drive to Pta today to see my psychiatrist. Hoping she has answers for my massive weight gain and irritation. Also been feeling a bit "off" lately. Let's see what the expert says. Man I hate driving in Pta. Jhb is fine for me, but damn Pta sucks! Feeling very anxious waiting in the waiting room actually.
Good luck, @Viper_SA ! I hope you get to the bottom of your issues - my mind is like a washing machine at the moment. I've reached out to the UK mental health societies and I can't seem to get the help I need which is weird considering this is a country that is hell-bend on helping people with mental health issues. I guess I should just keep looking around and find someone who is willing to help me through some stuff I'm going through at the moment.
Other option is to pay someone once a week which is an amount I can't really afford right now. There was someone that I kind of liked right off the bat but she charges £40 an hour.
My psychologist immigrated to NZ
so for now I talk to myself, lol. Not in the mood to start up from scratch with someone new. That, and I pray a lot. Just hope I'm doing it right
Cher said '' I don't need you anymore '' , do i need myself anymore ? it's so brilliant just to engulf yourself in a cloud of vapor and drink another beer .
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So I've been working stupid hours - mostly 25 to 27 hours a week. including weekend shifts (7 hours on Saturdays and 5 on Sundays). So now I hear this news yesterday that our head housekeeper gave in her notice as she got another job. I'm sitting here, feeling a bit lost without her as we got pretty close to each other and she was my safety net at work, with me being new to the job and her always helping me learn things and reminding me of stuff I had forgotten or telling me what I needed to do.
So now I'm looking for another job as there's so many things wrong at this place - you're pushed to your limits, yes you get paid by the hour (even if you do extra hours). Housekeeping is not for sissies - the place has 41 rooms and some days it can be up to 33 rooms on any given day to clean, change bedding and make the rooms presentable for the next guests to stay in. I'm also doing the weekend shifts in the kitchen so that's gotten better as I'm used to working in the kitchen and I kind of love working in the kitchen to be honest, more than anything else. There's a lot more I can detail about what is wrong with this place but it's gonna take me a few hours to type everything out and I'm on shift in an hour.
Mentally, emotionally, I've just had enough.
So now I'm looking for another job as there's so many things wrong at this place - you're pushed to your limits, yes you get paid by the hour (even if you do extra hours). Housekeeping is not for sissies - the place has 41 rooms and some days it can be up to 33 rooms on any given day to clean, change bedding and make the rooms presentable for the next guests to stay in. I'm also doing the weekend shifts in the kitchen so that's gotten better as I'm used to working in the kitchen and I kind of love working in the kitchen to be honest, more than anything else. There's a lot more I can detail about what is wrong with this place but it's gonna take me a few hours to type everything out and I'm on shift in an hour.
Mentally, emotionally, I've just had enough.
Think that happens to everyone in any job. Just do not make any rash decisions.
Regards
Think boss is working out something for me - I’ll stick to downstairs cleaning restaurant, toilets, kids inn two mornings a week and 3 kitchen shifts. Hopefully it works out for me as I find that I’m struggling with housekeeping upstairs rooms.
Plus I’m thinking of going to the fire station to chat with the guys over career options as a deaf firefighter. It’s my dream and there are deaf firefighters and paramedics in this country.
hopefully this time they’ll have something that I can be a part of.
hopefully this time they’ll have something that I can be a part of.
Having a particularly bad day today. Very on edge and agitated. To make things worse, for the past two weeks I've been having this recurring dream that I actually have a girlfriend, and then wake up all alone in an empty bed. Starting to screw with my head.
Also, my psychiatrist has suggested changes to my script, but now there is radio silence on my email and getting to Pta now to see her with the borders closed will be a mission.
Just praying for 16:00 to go home today.
Also, my psychiatrist has suggested changes to my script, but now there is radio silence on my email and getting to Pta now to see her with the borders closed will be a mission.
Just praying for 16:00 to go home today.
Quick question to this group. Has anyone here heard of or in fact done the DNA testing thingy? Apparently you can have your DNA tested to show what exactly you metal illness entails and what medication would be best suited for treatment?
Reason I'm asking is that my doctor is now just throwing higher and higher dosages at me while I feel she is not really listening to what I'm saying. Personally I think I become "resistant" to meds, for lack of a better word. Like I develop a tolerance that keeps the meds from working as they once did. I have been one pretty much the same meds since November last year, and things were going okay until a few weeks ago. I contacted her via email, and I feel like she only read the first paragraph and then reached for the prescription pad and loaded up on dosages while ignoring most of the rest of my concerns.
Really hoping the little bits and pieces on DNA testing I have seen can be something viable...
Reason I'm asking is that my doctor is now just throwing higher and higher dosages at me while I feel she is not really listening to what I'm saying. Personally I think I become "resistant" to meds, for lack of a better word. Like I develop a tolerance that keeps the meds from working as they once did. I have been one pretty much the same meds since November last year, and things were going okay until a few weeks ago. I contacted her via email, and I feel like she only read the first paragraph and then reached for the prescription pad and loaded up on dosages while ignoring most of the rest of my concerns.
Really hoping the little bits and pieces on DNA testing I have seen can be something viable...
Spare your money IMHO….
I'm afraid you might be correct. My old psychogist immigrated to NZ. They should be more up to date than us, and she's never heard of it and what I can find on Google is not very clear.
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